I want to get this out there. I mean, this is big for me, so it’ll probably be a confusing mess.
Actually, I don’t know where to start. This is the first time I’m trying to sort out what shit brought me to a state of quivering fear, a feeling of upcoming doom and utter loss.
Goddammit, Pam, you’re right. Here we go.
(Perhaps enumeration will shove some sense into this.)
1. College was fucking tough and I’ve invested myself too much. The first three years were full-packed with things to do , it was almost as if I had no time to breathe. But despite all of that, I really liked what I was doing, I thought I made the right choice. I still think I made the right choice. However…
2. Post-degree depression. I think that was the time when a proper wave of hopelessness and despair engulfed me, sucking me into this dark, impenetrable vortex of apathy. I’d feel like not being able to get out of bed. Food had no taste. I had no need to go out. I felt like I was trapped and had no options in my life. It’s like my horizons have shrunk to nano-dimensions. I started listening to classical music, most preferably to Schumann. I was really at a low point.
Excuse me, can I have a rainbow shot, please?
3. What am I going to do with my life? A very important question, I agree, but when I thought about it 2 years ago, the answers were swarming with impossible, it’s shit, no hope, Schopenhauer is a smart fellow. Since I really didn’t know what to do with my life I enrolled into a master’s program (that’s comparatively cheap where I live).
4. Master’s was shit. I positively hated what I was doing on my first year of master’s. Everything was stupid and tepid and intellectually tasteless. I wasn’t trying to enter the competition for “The Geek of the Week” (it’s funny cus it rhymes — my attempts at humor in this post are just pathetic really, I apologize), the courses were hell boring. I had psychology and communication and cultural studies — and all of that was mortifyingly boring. I felt like I was wasting my time and money and what’s worse…
5. I wouldn’t have a job afterwards. That was actually fact (statistics and all), but what bothered me most was not that I would have to work low-paying jobs with my master’s, it was all the wasted effort. I should have looked for a job instead of wasting two years of my life with evermore frequent episodes of depression.
Ok, time for a cheery gif.
(I didn’t turn into a drunk, btw. I started smoking.)
6. My Granddad died. Yes, that also happened. God the way I put this, it seems as if nothing nice was happening to me. But I must be on the right track, because now I see the fucking build-up. So, Granddad. We were cool. He was great. I wasn’t able to even imagine he’ll die one day. But it happened. And I was unprepared for all the sorrow. Tears. Wailing. People coming to pay their respects. I just shut down. Got detached. It was like a was under a glass dome, watching people be without me. Basically (as my therapist later told me) I was repressing emotions.
So, while I was looking like this:
Inside, I was probably more like this:
7. Then my Grandma got sick. Yup. *laughs manically* Doctors said she got some kind of immune disease. There were hospitals, constant stress, they couldn’t say if she’d live or not. I don’t know. It was just so much stress.
No, I didn’t start smoking weed. Just the legal shit that kills you.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I don’t know.
But I wanna finish this and I will end it on a cheerful note, goddammit.
Eventually (as I’ve mentioned several times up to now), I got sick. There were mood swings, overheating, strong perspiration, heart palpitation, shaking, loss of concentration, feeling of sickness etc. They said it could be thyroid dysfunction. And it was. It’s just no one could explain to me why I had a broken thyroid, when I was 23 and not pregnant. My thyroid specialist said it was probably stress and that I should get myself a hobby. I tried to relax. But it didn’t help. It actually got worse. I was no longer able to think clearly. I got all panicked and frightened like I was losing ground (and my mind). I started having stomach cramps and I started vomiting. I wasn’t able to do anything. Including sleep. So, on top of everything, I was getting crazy from the inability to sleep for, say, 2 hours straight. I was essentially falling apart in every sense possible.
I did my thyroid hormones again and the results were terrible. Now they diagnosed me with hyperthyroidism and said I should go and see a shrink, since the cause of that was most probably neurological. And, obviously, it was. The therapist I went to told me that my depression, repressed emotions and hypersensitivity (all of which have their own causes) led me to a state of mess I was in at the time. She prescribed me antidepressants, sleep medication and a drug for my psychosomatic condition (to stop the vomiting, diarrhea and cramps). And that seemed to work (coupled with my thyroid medication).
I also found the will to get better. I really, really wanted to get better. I changed a lot in my life style, I started eating more vegetables and fruit, I walked for min. 3 hours a day, got off internet altogether and started going to bed early.
I’m currently no longer on any other medication but antidepressants, which I’ll probably have to continue taking for at least another couple of months or so.
To sum up:
Is this a cheery note?
There are nice things happening to me right now as well. I met new people, I got a job (sort of — it doesn’t pay much, but at least I get to do stuff I like) and a beehive with actual bees in it. So, l’m truly trying to get better and be better. And to not lose hope. It’s really about taking one step at a time, I think.
Also, if you (yes, you) have any similar issues, then please know that you’re not alone. If you feel, like I felt, that there are no options, then find the strength to create them. I don’t want to get pretentious, I don’t know your life circumstances, but… I think it’s important to live. I hope you will see that too.