It’s not you, it’s me?

I don’t easily open up to people. It’s like I’ve created this thick mental wall between myself and the outside world. But it’s still relatively easy for someone to hurt me, it’s just that I won’t let it show. Bottling-up emotions has been my (ostensibly stupid) way of dealing with them. At one point I thought that I just simply wasn’t able to feel things; although, as I learned subsequently, that turned out to be entirely misleading. I felt so much that I subconsciously shut down. The world and people in it seemed distant and unimportant. It became easier and easier for me to disregard everything and just withdraw into the darkest whirlpools of my mind. I probably thought I was safe there.

My therapist (of course I’d ended up with one) said that walls aren’t the solution, instead, I should build like hedges or something, so that there’s some communication exchange between me and other people, enough to enrich but not easily hurt me. Or something of the sort. The point is: don’t build walls around you, build hedges. Or something.

It’s really difficult for me to warm up to people and create relationships with them. There’s always an ominous feeling that they’ll let me down, hurt me, ignore me. The last outcome is the worst. Please feel free to shout and be angry with me, but don’t just disappear without a word — that’s fucking cruel!

So, I always thought that I just simply was’t socially intelligent and that I should focus on my work and the abstract world. I basically decided to run away from people while at the same time pretending that I’m a functional person.

There’s so much shit within and around us that it’s difficult to see something positive. The internet is our heaven and doom: as contradictory as everything in this day and age. We can connect from a safe distance. We can feel companionship, without commitment. We can find same-minded people, no matter how twisted or awkward out thoughts and habits.

I need candy and fluffy animals. But I also need the real world with whatever it chooses to offer me.


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